Monday, May 29, 2017

Memorial Day Blues

So often it rains on Memorial Day, no? It seems that way. Were there still any journals and diaries lying in boxes under my bed or at the back of the closet, there would certainly be inked evidence of dull, dull morning aches, and echoes from Memorial Days past.

Maybe it's best that it rains so people will have time to reflect on what the day is actually about. Beyond the idea of just or unjust wars, there are people just like the rest of us who gave everything, whether or not they had any good feelings about what they were doing or why they were bleeding out their last at the moment and place they were. A moment for them.

A moment for them.

Most of my thoughts this morning, however, are of a more selfish nature, or you could say that they are. On the heels of an ended relationship, they're about love and promises.

Love.

So many ideas of what it is and isn't, and there are probably thousands of definitions, each of them as valid as the next. It is what it is, or what the people feeling it for each other want it to be. I'm not going to judge, at least not publicly. I'm only just, at 55, and having mouthed the words too many times to too many people (and should I even judge that?) deciding what it is for me.

In a letter to a sometimes lover and always friend this morning...

She sent me this, about unconditional love, or what many, including myself would define as unconditional love. I wept, and in that grotesque way that I do, made it about myself. Could I live what this man in the article is living? Sometimes the answer might be yes. Sometimes no.

My thoughts, in letter:

The words "no matter what" keep resonating in my head. Lovers say that a lot to each other, or some variation thereof. They're such impractical promises, but are they really that difficult to keep? There is no ready answer for that, is there?

I get into these things with people and there have been times when I've said "no matter what" and couldn't get my head around it. Only a few times could I envision the "no matter what" but there were still always real-life, grown-folk obstacles. Let me change that. There have only been two instances where although the words aren't spoken, because they don't have to be always, that I could envision "no matter what." Moreover I could envision myself keeping the promise, which has always been my biggest obstacle. It's a question of my deepest fears, that I am not worthy to begin with so how can I possibly keep the promise? How can I not disappoint, at some point or another? But two cases where I felt no such fear. I felt good enough. I felt worthy.

That's kind of where my thoughts are this morning. It's about getting beyond feelings of unworthiness so that I can actually love unconditionally, or love despite this fear. Love realistically, and keep the promise.

And that's what I've got this morning.

Still processing, my no matter whats.

That's what I've got, on the day that whether they meant to or not, men and women lived and died in no matter what scenarios.

Selah





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