There are times when it must be easier to have faith in this god or that one and that there is a rhyme and a reason for every last thing under the sun. It must be nice to believe with all one's heart that there is an eternal reward.
Having spent a good part of my life fearing that there really was a god and that he had a shit list with my name on it made my original lapse of faith a relief. It did create a vacuum though, into which a giant sense of pointlessness came with a horrible wet sucking sound. That pointlessness is what remained and some days there aren't enough shards of beauty pile on the big scale and balance it.
The Crocodiles say it's about surrender. Apparently surrender is different and preferable to saying fuck it and giving up. Time shall tell.
Or not. Just looking for answers has worn me out.