I discovered some time ago that I have been endowed with, or perhaps I've nurtured an ugly 1-2 punch combination of an intuition regarding peoples' insecurities and a facility for damaging words. This is a highly regarded talent in some circles, and indeed I have found myself popular in said circles for being quick with an unkind and well-aimed jab. I can honestly say, however, that this is a skill that I've reserved mostly for self-defense, and even then held back when the situation involved someone I care/d for. It's never seemed important enough in those cases to win at all costs, or even to start with petty one-ups-manship. If you care about the person, you just don't go there. They know what hurts them, and furthermore they know that you know and have usually trusted you to protect those soft parts of them as they protect/ed yours. Just recently someone whom I have loved and trusted dearly went there. I well know this person's capabilities but never imagined they would go for the soft tissue, especially because I have always offered up my vulnerability to them willingly.
Live and learn. It still stings. What has changed now is that it stings behind a wall. Live and learn.
I'm not at all proud of this one real talent of mine. It's toxic. I'm looking for an antidote.
Coney Island State of Mind
I spent a good part of the morning and afternoon yesterday exploring Coney Island. It's always had it's allure for me, even when it was a lot more grimy. It's a place I go to think. It's a place I go to be at peace. It's always been my "safe place," even when after a certain time of night things get a bit sketchy... okay, a lot sketchy. Yesterday though, something hit me like a... like a something. I've made a decision that if I stay in New York City I'm going to look for a small place, a studio maybe, in Coney Island near the boardwalk. I need to make it happen.
There is so much more to say, but maybe it's best to let it stew a while longer and tenderize it. I've a headful of half-cooked notions, and I'm tired, and there's so much going on all at once, so I think I'll just take it out with a song: