Sunday, July 31, 2016
George Webber via Geist
We used to romanticize or glamourize the dives and the lost-life gin mills. We were too dumb to see the reality, or too vain to believe we would go all the way down for the long distance. It never really occurred to me then that people didn't choose their lot. That you don't get to decide when it's enough.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
There are several reasonable explanations. It really doesn't pay to get into them. Who, after all, doesn't suffer from this same existential angst? Who indeed?
Blame it on the shitty weather. Blame it on the economic situation.
Blame it on the bossa nova.
It's just another fucking day.
This too, shall pass.
Monday, July 25, 2016
Cue the music...
We're having a heatwave...
It gets to that point where there's nothing to talk about but the weather. If you're smart you just quit as soon as you get to that bit. You end it before the decay of resentment sets in.
But you're not going to do that. You're going to barricade the doors, dig in and take hostages. You won't even have any demands. You just want someone to turn down the infernal heat.
Just turn down the heat.
I rolled in and out of jags of sweaty sleep. Dream after dream. Some connected along a thread and the occasional hand grenade thrown into the mix. Like what the fuck was SHE doing there? It's best not to try to connect the dots sometimes. It can all be too much.
It's going to be a long, scattered day.
Friday, July 22, 2016
You will, at some point despite all your best efforts, find yourself alone with your thoughts. It could very likely be that moment of insomnia where you are awake and nobody else you know is and there is nobody to call. It's going to happen and the inside of your head, as The Crocodile says, is a very bad neighborhood. These are the moments you turn to faith in a higher power, if you happen to have one of those. It's a waiting game if you don't. It will pass but it's going to feel like forever, and forever is a very, very long time.
Thursday, July 21, 2016
Been a minute since I've commented on the weather, no? It's going to be short and sweet.
I'm feeling every day of it. Every minute, really. Not a day under...
Like I said before, it doesn't escape me that it's a privilege to make it this far. It's almost a miracle considering all the risks taken. Yet...
I don't know, man. I'm just not feeling it this week. The forecast said the next 5 days are going to be over 90. That's not really my thing so...
Not feeling it.
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Monday, July 18, 2016
And now back into this thing that I don't believe in. Should I even bother explaining? Let's just say it's just now gone 7am and I'm on the train underground and headed off for this... new adventure.
I'll explain another time.
55 feels really old this morning, despite the knowledge that just turning 55 and being alive to swear what that does or doesn't mean is a privilege.
I'm in a rare spot. I really am. A place where I keep ending up despite all my best intentions. Rare only because I no longer have the ability to fake it.
Sunday, July 17, 2016
I'm not big on Nazi comparisons. They mostly offend me, yet if the shoe fits. It's not that I believe Donald Trump is a Hitler figure. That's a stretch. I do firmly believe though that his popularity is rooted in the same fear that fueled National Socialism. This country is in a bad place.
Saturday, July 16, 2016
Friday, July 15, 2016
In less than two months the magic number will be 55.
Same as the speed limit.
Anything over that isn't safe.
Or maybe less than that.
With people being pulled over (and worse) for driving, apparently with over the safe limit of melanin if we are to go by the data, I feel like a right twat griping about this, but...
It was more than five years ago that I started to get the questions when I went on job interviews. Once it was pretty direct, from a young man, he was maybe 30 or so, at a medical publisher:
"I don't want to sound like a jerk, but I have to ask this. You've been around the block once or twice and I just have to know if you're going to have any problems taking direction from someone so much younger than you."
I didn't point out that his line of questioning was actually in violation of the law. It seemed beside the point at that juncture. I answered that I was happy to work for anyone that I believed could teach me something, and that if someone his age could advance that quickly in his career, then he could teach me a thing or two. He seemed pleased, but not convinced with the answer.
The question has come back to me again and again over the last few years and it's really not encouraging.
Too old to work and too young to retire? I've read about this phenomenon.
Don't get it twisted. I can fully acknowledge that by my early 40s I'd torpedoed my career in a dozen different ways, but at the same time, I am hearing the question, posed in a variety of different ways, at 8 out of 10 interviews. As soon as it comes up, I know the conversation is, for all intents and purposes, over. I'm keeping a scorecard.
So what's an old guy to do?
Do I look uncertain? Fucking hell, I guess I do.
Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Of the family of viruses that cause the common cold... What else is there to say on that tip? It's a coronavirus, right?
I feel like hammered shite.
I've read that summer colds are the worst. It could be that they just hit harder, or that it's just the worst time of year to feel sick, what with the nasty heat and such. This one dug in deep though. I'm a mess.
Or a rhinovirus... Whatever.
Monday, July 11, 2016
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Wednesday, July 06, 2016
Monday, July 04, 2016
“I've never been lonely. I've been in a room -- I've felt suicidal. I've been depressed. I've felt awful -- awful beyond all -- but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me...or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. It's being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I'll quote Ibsen, "The strongest men are the most alone." I've never thought, "Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I'll feel good." No, that won't help. You know the typical crowd, "Wow, it's Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?" Well, yeah. Because there's nothing out there. It's stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I've never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn't want to hide in factories. That's all. Sorry for all the millions, but I've never been lonely. I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have. Let's drink more wine!”
― Charles Bukowski