Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Monday, Part 2

Sometimes, Tuesday is merely...

It's all attitude, right?  My attitude?  That's what you're about to say, but you can stuff it and stow it.  Sometimes Tuesday, not in its essence any different than any other Tuesday, is Monday Part 2.  Whatever.  Live through it.

Nobody needs to send a message of encouagement, nor admonishment.  Seeing Paolo Coelho or the Dalai Parton quoted in my Facebook news feed won't inspire me.  Stories of brave, blind crippled boys supporting their siblings by crawling 12 miles per day to work in a steel mill won't shame me.

Fuck you.

I don't want to have a nice day.  I don't feel like it.  Leave me alone.

There is no single event in recent weeks that might be considered a turning point. People remarked recently that things must be on the upswing because I was looking... I believe the word was "chipper."

Again, fuck you.

There are health issues that may account for a foul humor.  Sleep has not been my bestie for quite a while now.  It could all be attributed to these invasive ailments, or even depression... internal.

But when push comes to shove, it's just about me.  I am weary of pretense.  I don't want to have a nice day, but thanks.  Or, let's put it this way.  I don't feel obligated to have a nice day just for the sake of a nice day.  Let me work some shit out and THEN let the good times roll.

And no, thank you, I don't want to discuss it.

ADD:  Stay in the day.  Be in the moment.  I think I am slowly getting it.  I am in A moment most of the time.  It is generally not THE moment but it is A moment.  It is usually right now if not necessarily right here, if that makes sense.  I will explain at another time. 

Anyway, I don't feel well.  The blackout on Sunday nearly repeated this morning.  It may or may not be connected to the weird disconnect some months back when I spaced out and dropped the pot of water at my feet.  Or it could be the medication.  Who knows?  It was frightening.  A slow motion collapse.  It started like those eerie headrushes that sometimes occur when standing from a squat, but then  continued and intensified.  There was a pulsing pressure from my chest to my ears and my vision strobed in and out with every beat.  I could feel light and consciousness siphoning away and felt my knees bend and finally connect with the floor.  I had just enough wherewithal to but my arms forward to break my fall on my palms.  I don't know if I lost consciousness completely or for how long but it was a complete collapse.  The ensuing headache and nausea kept me down for a few hours and I don't know if I've completely reconnected with myself since.

We shall see. 

We shall see.

Hello Monday...

Again.

More later.

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