Sunday, June 29, 2014
Friday, June 27, 2014
Just click the link. Read the article. This has to be a miserably failed attempt at humor, right? Or maybe someone hacked her site and added this. It can't be real.
Or, barring that, she caught herself stricken by the very beauty of the athletes, and stick legs in the air and clutching, found only something that snapped like rubber bands and smelled like a mountain of old tires -- and then driven mad with frustration sallied forth with another river of impotent, rageful idiocy.
I just find it hard to accept that a human being could be so incredibly hateful or dumb.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
May this shovel, loose your trouble.
Let them, fall away...
What is it about Chris Whitley? Maybe it's the sense of space around the notes. Or the sustain at the end of a guitar run. Or the way he hangs a lyric out like a spot in front of the sun.
Monday, June 23, 2014
pretty much everything.
It started as a lapse. Then a series of lapses. Lapso apso, motherfucker. Not a relapse. An extended period of disbelief in the whole process. The dots connected sort of the way you would imagine a shit ton of freckles might one day connect and become a tan.
Fake it 'til you make it they say so I've been faking it. Now I am weary of pretending that I care to be a part of it.
How long might this last? No clue. Another hour? A week? A year? Ten seconds?
But for the time being, just no. I don't believe.
I don't believe in you. Nor anyone else.
So I'm sitting here in front of the museum. I am supposed to go east but west seems better. Not home. Just going. Going somewhere or anywhere or really nowhere. I want to find nowhere.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
It's weird that you're stooped from the weight for so many years you don't even notice you don't walk up right anymore. You let go and you're still bent and you might stay bent. Your fingers are curled into hooks and don't go straight anymore, even with the load gone.
And the shots are still coming at you, but it doesn't matter anymore. You've been bobbing and weaving and running and jumping and hiding and dodging for so long that you just don't give a single fuck. And it's just another few clicks on the gear wheel between not giving one more single fuck, and freedom from fear.
Mama, put my guns in the ground.
I can't shoot them anymore.
The long black cloud is coming down.
It feels like I'm knocking on Heaven's door...
I'm not afraid of losing status or stature.
I'm not afraid they won't like me.
I'm not afraid this one or that one won't love me.
I'm not afraid of losing this thing or that thing.
So where does the fear lie?
It's like this.
Hell is the smell of your own bullshit.
Hell is not knowing why you are happy or unhappy.
Hell is never having enough to make you happy.
Hell is a perpetual cycle of nagging discontent.
Hell is being lonely in a roomful of people.
Hell is wanting to walk away from yourself and being stuck on the bottom of your own shoe.
So where does the fear lie?
Being back there. I'm not going to get all holy roller on you, but there is something they say about how fear and faith cannot share the same roof, and all you really have to do is have faith that there is less to fear than you might believe and that's a start. You can take or leave the God thing. It's not my place to judge. There comes a point though when you're done with yourself and you might need a place to turn.
I guess there are choices.
And I'm not even going to claim that it can't sneak up some days and whip my ass, but it's all relative. I can get out of bed and take the whipping and keep going. That's a start.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Sunday, June 08, 2014
FIND GOD'S MATCH FOR YOU
Now, first of all, I don't think that God gives a good Goddamn (see how I did that?) if I find a match at all, and secondly...
After all the shit that I've pulled, I'm afraid of what God's match might turn out to be.
Thirdly, and lastly...
What the fuck was God doing before internet dating?
None of this sounds at all kosher to me.
Monday, June 02, 2014
You wonder sometimes, after the fact and upon acquisition of new information or awareness, what is real and what is just a symptom of the disease.
And yes, that raises questions moving forward....