Maelstrom?

Or is this IRENE CHICK simply a manifestation of the last vestiges of my arrested development meeting a new force in my life.

I will let you know when the storm surge subsides.

How long can I sit here watching the news reports before it becomes tiresome? What age marks the onset of Weather Channel Syndrome? You know what I'm talking about. There is an older person in your life whose television is always tuned in to cyclones and tornado strikes in parts of the world that he/she has never even visited. You spend hours wondering what is so damned fascinating that they remember the storm track of hurricanes from 40 years earlier. Then you sit bold-upright on the sofa and realize you've been watching an hour by hour update of a storm in Guam all morning. What age can you expect this?

I don't know, but I can tell you that I just watched Irene News on NY1 for the last two hours. I am frightened. Not of the storm really, but that it's happened to me. Early onset of Weather Channel Syndrome.

I took precautions. I never stopped listening to The Ramones. There are no velcro shoes sticking out from beneath my bed. There are no trousers with an elastic waistband in my bureau. I've never owned a reversible belt.

Yet I can now give you a comprehensive summary of evacuation zones and shelters all over the borough.

This is a cry for help. Maybe I should just go stand on the beach tomorrow.