Thursday, August 16, 2018

Irony

I rarely, if ever, feel lonely when I'm actually alone. It's a different story here in the office though. I've never felt so utterly invisible on the job.

It's possible that to some degree I alienate myself, but it's a lot more than that here. My very existence means very little to anyone here. I am perhaps a reminder of eventual, inevitable obsolescence.

If they only knew...

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Still...

Just trying to write about feelings...

There is still no ready explanation for today's funk. There are hints here and there in triggers and reactions, but nothing exactly tangible.

These days...

I've been out walking.
I don't do too much talking these days...

Some days are good. Others not so much. Some are better than others. Yesterday felt like an assault. Blame it on Monday but it could have been any fucking day of the week. It was just any old day, and it sucked.

There was no quarter. There was no safe haven.

No allies.

There would be no reinforcements. You're out here on your own, MacGregor. No signal from home base. Home base fell along time ago. Save your ammunition and choose your targets. It's going to be a long fucking night.

And it was. I was a little surprised when morning came and I was still in it.

But fuck being cryptic. I will say more if I sort it out. I don't know why I keep a log of this anymore. The point was lost a long time ago. What's this war about anyway? I don't even remember.

Friday, August 03, 2018

Thursday, July 26, 2018

Home

Home is home and it feels good to be here, even if good just means better than not being here. There are days when it means more than that, but this is decidedly not one of them. Feels good just means that there are are places I'm glad I'm not.

That will do for now, until whatever this is dissipates.

THIS...

Feeling some kinda way.

"Feeling some kinda way."

It took a bit to figure that one out and it doesn't bear out and explanation, but it just comes down to leaving someone the fuck alone with it when they say that.

IT...

Leave them alone with it.

Leave me alone with it. It will pass the same way it always passes. Not every day is about fight or flight. That's the feeling, really. It's an echo, I think. It used to feel this way all the time. Not it comes and goes, like a relative you're never happy to see but you know that's the person you want around when shit goes pear-shaped. That's the person that you know will just handle shit. It's when they're still hanging around after the fact that things get uncomfortable.

What are you doing here? Did I call you? Do I owe you money?

That's the feeling. Like someone coming to collect a debt when you're skint and can't give them anything, and you're pretty sure you paid up anyway.

It was a long day with this favorite/not favorite Uncle hanging around.

Thursday, July 19, 2018

Are we done yet?

What do you do when you wake up four days straight and it feels like Friday already, but it isn't? It's a set-up really, a kind of unintentional self-sabotage.

You sit in disappoinment.

That's what you do, and you sit in the grim realization that it's only Thursday. It's just Thursday. How can a week last this fucking long?

Hard to say really what's at the core of this malaise. Call it summer doldrums. Call it what you want. I don't feel good today. I'm tired.

I'm whining.

There's more though that the words haven't quite gelled around. It's coming but not quite there yet. First there are feelings. Then there are words. One day the words might come automatically as the feelings appear, but we are not there yet. I'm working on it.

Hold, please. Sorry for the delay.