Sunday, April 15, 2018

To sleep, perchance to...

There are advantages to getting more sleep, and one of them is of course that it is often better sleep. Better sleep often means more dreams. The problem with that is that more dreams often doesn't translate to better dreams. One streamed through in the wee hours that left me feeling...

No, it left me knowing.

It left me knowing that there will always be more unpleasantness to unpack. This isn't the time, nor place, 4:30 a.m. on a public, if archaic (by all digital standards) forum to get into it. There are details involving people...

Involving people whom...

With whom, there is still an unwritten contract that their details aren't spilled recklessly into the ether.  There is too much backstory anyway.

The bigger part of this story, my story, is the realization that there's still so much more to sort out. You never get through all of it, you know, but it was jarring to wake up to a realization that after years of work, only the surface has been scratched. It left me with a sort of 'fuck this' feeling.

Fuck this.

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

To be present

Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and even geographically/physically.

Can it be done? Is it just one of those lofty things? One of those annoying it's the journey not the destination ideas?

No answers. I'm about to give it a shot though.

Friday, April 06, 2018

Fair warning

The Weather Channel app on my phone keeps offering up small craft warnings and I live on the third floor. It could ostensibly mean aircraft but wouldn't it say so?

Warnings.

Omens.

There are days of magical thinking when everything seems to be a sign portending something on way.

What rough beast, its hour come at last...

Messages from gods that few believe in anymore, and least of me this geriatric pink rocker. I'd be more inclined to read a danger sign correctly and hang around anyway just to see for myself.

Try anything once, or maybe twice to be sure. It has and will be my undoing, and I'm feeling too old to care sometimes. I'm not looking for longevity,  merely experience. Learn from me. I'll be your scout.

Your guide.

Your bad example.

Fair warning. Do as I say but maybe not as I do. My ex wife used to tell my sons that. Listen to Daddy but don't always say and do what he does.

Fair warning.

Wednesday, March 07, 2018

Don't listen.

Life is too short. Ride the fucking dinosaur anyway. I regret more the risks I didn't take than anything I actually did. Amends have been made to the handful that were actually hurt. Only amends to myself remain.

Ride the fucking dinosaur.

Trust me on this one.

Friday, February 23, 2018

The Big Answers

It's curious that while it's still a comfort to me... that the big answers to the bigger questions that I always sought don't exist, essentially because the questions are irrelevant. They're ego-born aren't they? When you ask what is the meaning of life, you aren't asking a general question. You're asking what important role you play in the grand scheme, the whole while there being a very good chance that there is no scheme at all.

I don't need a purpose.  I don't need to be important. The questions don't exist, hence there are no answers. This all falls under what most people would call negative thinking. They don't want to hear it, and frankly I don't want to explain it. I'm pretty certain it's true and figuring that out brought me relief I wouldn't have imagined existed.

So when someone you love comes to you in the throes of an existential crisis, feeling that they've lost any sense that they matter, how do you say, "don't worry about it. You don't."

It comes off all wrong, doesn't it?

This is, of course, what has happened this week. Someone has come to me expressing that they've been overwhelmed and contemplating suicide. They don't know who they are. They've lost all sense of purpose. They don't see much reason to continue as they've got no measure of their importance in other peoples' lives.

My answer is probably not the one they need to hear. What worked for me came as a process of letting go, and it was a long journey here, and not without regular backsliding even still. It would be a lot to take in all at once, wouldn't it?

And to be clear, this isn't self-worth I'm talking about. It's about measurement. There has to be a grand scheme for one to be part of something grand, wouldn't there? In the absence of that being grand doesn't add up to a whole lot. A person can just be. 

But I'm rambling because I'm frustrated. I want to shake this person and shout LET GO into their face and have it happen. I have no tools to take away their pain with the wave of a hand like a jedi mind trick, and it's a pain I am so, so familiar with.

I want them to be able to laugh with me at the folly of it all... to laugh because they don't really matter? Shit, I can't even explain it to myself.  I want to say, "don't worry about being important. You're not important. You don't want to be important. It's too much to keep up. Who are you? Did you really ask that? Does it matter? You are who you are and who you've always been underneath all that you have ever pretended to be. You are the person that the people who truly love you have always loved despite who you pretended to be. You just are. You wake up in the morning and you breathe and piss and shit and laugh and work and laugh, and love, and whatever, and that's really enough. I love you. Shut up. It's all going to be okay. It's always been okay. Your only problem has ever been that you thought it should have been more than okay."

Sunday, February 18, 2018

It's fucking weird, isn't it?

We do this love thing, and we put our parts inside each other and we get all this stuff flowing, emotional and otherwise and we can't imagine ever waking up and not seeing each other or talking to each other.

Then it's over, and it's weird for a bit, and you might wonder what happened or even what made you feel the way you used to feel but you still feel like something is missing, because I'm told that you even kind of miss a chronic pain for a spell after it goes away. Life is funny that way.

The you wake up one day and it strikes you as funny that you'll never talk to that person again and you don't care and it's really kind of a relief.

Then you just stop thinking about them at all, so it's no longer curious, or odd, or funny, or anything.  It just isn't and it feels like it never was because you don't even remember. 

Haha. 

Whatever. 

Longing for The Silents